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[Jun. 13th, 2008|01:26 pm] |
Get More Now!
There is such a thing as having boobs that are too big. |
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[Jun. 13th, 2008|07:01 am] |
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Ok, only the girls are going to really get this one ...
Don't you hate it when you lose track of time and can't remember your cycle? And for maybe a week you try to figure out when your last one was ... was it that weekend you were at the restaurant? No, you were wearing light pants ... etc etc ...
So, you get a bit paranoid and worry that you might be pregnant (if the situation applies) ... you accidentally missed a pill one day a couple weeks ago, maybe the little buggers got thru?! And the more you think about it, the more paranoid you become until you finally go down to the store and buy a test.
You come home, take the test, but no matter what, you are going to take the other test in the box in a few days anyway. That's why they give you two, because they know you will freak out and think the first might be faulty. You get the 'Not Pregnant' and breathe a little easier, but the 2nd test is still on the agenda. You get a few things done around the house before bed and settle in til the morning.
At which time, you get up and make your way sleepily to the bathroom. Where you make the discovery that you just wasted $10 on a test.
/facepalm
On the upside though, that Haunted Pub Crawl you are going on tonight can include alcohol now ... on the downside, by that time tonight, your cramps are going to make you loathe walking.
Meh ... you win some, you lose some :) |
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[Apr. 25th, 2008|10:53 am] |
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You know someone really loves you when :
You've been sick and have blown your nose to the point that it is chapped, raw and very painful. Your SO says, "I don't think that lotion would be good, try chapstick." You reply that you don't have any chapstick. Your SO says that they do.
"You'd let me stick your chapstick on/in/around my nose?"
"Sure I would, I love you."
I may be loved, but I am still not sticking Tom's chapstick up my nose. :P |
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[Apr. 15th, 2008|08:53 am] |
Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
A Message from Britain
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part ofBritish Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad all these years.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
God save the Queen. |
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| Tales from the School Side |
[Mar. 25th, 2008|05:30 pm] |
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This comes courtesy of my Gen Psych class, and it was too funny to not share. Background : We were discussing the 7 types of intelligence.
Student : So, could you say that strippers have high Interpersonal intelligence?
Prof : Well, I sure would. *pulls out wallet* I only carry singles. After a stimulating lecture, there's nothing better than to go down to the strip bar and grade papers.
Different student : Is that why my test was wet?
Prof : In more ways than one, but I'll not go into the sordid details.
The Prof had the greatest straight face during all this while the class was laughing, but after that last comment and the class exploded, even he had to laugh. I love my class :) |
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| Recycle, or go to Hell says Vatican |
[Mar. 10th, 2008|10:09 am] |
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Recycle or go to Hell, warns Vatican
By Malcolm Moore in Rome
Last Updated: 12:01am GMT 10/03/2008
(click the link, or just read the c&p) http://www.telegraph.co.uk/earth/main.jhtml?xml=/earth/2008/03/10/eavatican110.xml
Failing to recycle plastic bags could find you spending eternity in Hell, the Vatican said after drawing up a list of seven deadly sins for our times.
The seven, which include polluting the environment, were announced by Monsignor Gianfranco Girotti, a close ally of the Pope and the head of the Apostolic Penitentiary, one of the Roman Curia's main court.
The "sins of yesteryear" - sloth, envy, gluttony, greed, lust, wrath and pride - have a "rather individualistic dimension", he told the Osservatore Romano, the official Vatican newspaper.
The new seven deadly, or mortal, sins are designed to make worshippers realise that their vices have an effect on others as well.
"The sins of today have a social resonance as well as an individual one," said Mgr Girotti. "In effect, it is more important than ever to pay attention to your sins."
According to Roman Catholic doctrine, mortal sins are a "grave violation of God's law" and bring about "eternal death" if unrepented by the act of confession.
They are far more serious than venial sins, which impede a soul's progress in the exercise of virtue and moral good.
Mgr Girotti said genetic modification, carrying out experiments on humans, polluting the environment, causing social injustice, causing poverty, becoming obscenely wealthy and taking drugs were all mortal sins. |
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| fun |
[Mar. 5th, 2008|07:35 am] |
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Powered By TheirAdult Toys
Awwwwww yeah ... Pay up y'all :P |
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| How I get so funny?! |
[Mar. 4th, 2008|09:03 am] |
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Mom wrote me an email this morning ... here is how it went :)
"Mom to me 6:34 am
So what are your thoughts on Easter?"
"Me to Mom 7:26 am
Easter is the most important religious feast of the Christian liturgical calendar. It has also been linked to Passover due to the Jewish calendar coinciding so closely, as well as the indication in numerous Bible passages that the Last Supper was in fact the Passover feast that was being eaten. There are those that say that the positioning of Easter was 'created' by Christian officials who were attempting to create a happy medium with the Pagans they were attempting to convert, creating the holiday so the Pagans would still be able to celebrate the Vernal Equinox, albeit for a different reason. This practice would be seen again later in the use of Santaria, merely changing the focus without changing too many details in order to keep everyone happy.
Those are barebones thoughts, and that pagan sentence is actually the basis of my research paper for class ... but what specifically are you referring to? :)"
"Mom to Me 8:56 am
We, here at school are rolling with laughter. I was referring to getting together."
Bwhahahaha ... I knew what she was talking about, I was just being a smartass :)
How I get so funnee? |
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| From my Dad |
[Jan. 4th, 2008|11:37 am] |
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The Discovery of a New Element: Governmentium
Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction which would normally take less than a second to take anytime from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of two to six years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which some of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. |
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[Dec. 22nd, 2007|11:45 pm] |
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For those who loved PowerThirst. |
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| Fun video of car football |
[Dec. 17th, 2007|10:18 pm] |
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| Eggs and Roosters |
[Nov. 13th, 2007|03:15 pm] |
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Possibly the weirdest thing I have seen today :
In other news, remember Reinbach's rooster? Here, I'll refresh your memory :
Kudos to Reinbach who called me from his jobsite to regale me with the tale of him and his crew of Mexicans who had to chase and capture a rooster this morning.
Well, today, it was freed! They released it in Gibsonton for some reason. Most I had shared this story with had been sure that the crew would be taking it home and coming in the next day with some rooster tacos, but apparently this was not the case this time. So now the rooster is roaming free in the ... wilds of Gibsonton. :) |
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[Oct. 29th, 2007|06:44 pm] |
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Music meme ganked from ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) serpenatrix.
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. List the first fifteen songs that come up. (was ten, but I was having too much fun)
3. Add "in my pants".
4. Post your list.
1. Down with the Sickness in my pants (Disturbed).
2. The Closer You Get in my pants (Alabama).
3. Toca Toca Toca Toca in my pants (RHPS Mexican Cast).
4. I've Got Two Legs in my pants (Monty Python).
5. Sixteen Tons in my pants (Eric Burdon).
6. Blacklisted in my pants (Rancid).
7. Sex Machine Attacks in my pants (Graeme Revell).
8. No Chance in Hell in my pants (Dope).
9. We Got Us in my pants (The Muppets).
10. Piece of Shit Car in my pants (Adam Sandler).
11. Funkytown in my pants (Lipps, Inc).
12. As Far As We Felt Like Going in my pants (Tim Curry).
13. You're The One That I Want in my pants (Grease Soundtrack).
14. Psycho Circus in my pants (KISS).
15. Buy Me a Rose in my pants (Kenny Rogers).
Ok, I can't begin to explain how much laughing I did with this list. There were a few that kinda made me only chuckle, but there are a couple that truly pulled a guffaw. |
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[Oct. 27th, 2007|05:42 pm] |
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Best news report. Evar.
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| 5 Minute Meme |
[Oct. 27th, 2007|09:52 am] |
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RULES: YOU HAVE TO CHANGE THE ANSWER...YOU CANNOT USE MY ANSWERS!!
1.How long do you spend in the shower?
about 15 minutes
2. Name something a football player wears under his uniform?
pads
3. Name something people hate to find on their windshield?
parking ticket
4. Name something a man might buy before a date.?
no idea, never been given anything before a date
5. Whats another word for blemish?
pimple
6. Name a food often cooked in the microwave?
popcorn
7. Name a piece of furniture people need help moving.?
couch
8. Name a reason a younger man might like an older woman.?
intelligence/life experiences?
9. Name something a dog does that embarrasses its owner?
licks it's balls in front of company
10. Name a kind of test you cannot study for?
drug test
11. Name something a boy scout gets a badge for?
Menachem Beguin Disguise Kit
12. Name a phrase with the word 'Home' in it?
There's no place like home.
13. Name a sport where players loose teeth?
hockey
14. Name something a teacher can do to ruin a students day?
pop quiz worth over 50% of your grade
15. What is a way you can tell someone has been crying?
red-rimmed eyes
17. Name a bird you wouldn't want to eat.
pigeon
18. Name something that gets folded.
batter
19. Name something a person wears even if it has a hole in it:
jeans
20. Name something that gets smaller the more you use it:
a pad of sticky notes |
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sick